apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize