Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
