So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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