There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize