my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
