You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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