I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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