i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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