How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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