I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize