the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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