Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
