This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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