I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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