I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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