If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
