I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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