just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
