i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
