He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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