One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
