Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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