The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
