if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
