sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
They have beer where we have blood.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
