I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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