Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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