walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
