He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
