I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
