the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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