Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sext me about skeletons
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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