i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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