dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
