id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
