You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
