i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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