The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize