Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
