forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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