WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ladies don't puke and tell
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
