can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Too much gin, very little bucket
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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