I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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