dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
