you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
