i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
