listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
