It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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