Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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