Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
