I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
