I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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