turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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