we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
