i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
