I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found the puke drawer
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
