Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
