Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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