I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
